|Teens With Lupus||
I’m angry. I am so mad all the time, at everyone over everything. I put on this happy act to keep up the appearance that I am trying to be optimistic and took on the positive side of things. Usually, I feel like that is me. Even with
the complaints and the ranting, I equally spread a lot of positivity and happiness. I don’t feel like this has been me in awhile. Lately I’m so mad. Mad that I have to deal with this, mad that it always creeps back into my life when I feel like I’ve kicked it in the butt. I feel really good, and suddenly I’m back to doctor appointments all the time or going to give blood or urine, or
worse yet stool. I want to be this person within the lupus community that others can come to for helpful advice and answers, but I feel like lately I have not been that person. My anger at this disease, and my own body, has taken over a lot of my actions. I’m talking about food, I blow up about something else. I’m talking a friend, and suddenly can’t stand them and say things I don’t mean. Everything makes me feel like I’m going to pop. I feel like no amount of sleep has been enough, I am always tired. I stuff my face whenever my body will let me (which isn’t often) because suddenly the past few months I can never eat right. I’m either not hungry at all, or get full almost right after I start eating. Its so frustrating. I is a very frustrating feeling knowing that I have a hold over this disease right now if you look at the tests, the numbers. However, if you look at me and I seem to embody that (I look great, not to toot my own horn) but I feel mentally like crap. I feel like I’m not sure anymore that I can be all the things I want to be, and do all the things I want to do. I’m mad that my mind can’t stay as healthy and upbeat as my body is indicating to everyone I am. I blow up at everyone, then just delete and erase every bit of everything I
don’t like. I have been ignoring the real causes for months, and right now I am in this disgusting depressed state that I can not shake. How do you lead and help others, when you can’t help yourself? I have almost completely deleted all my lupus networks in the past few weeks, because I feel like I don’t belong there. I am not a helpful person right now, but hurtful. I have had a hard time convincing myself to go to school, see the few friends I have. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now.
I was diagnosed with lupus four years ago when I was 16. It has been a rough few years but while I have lupus it doesn't have me!